Rain

it is raining right now. I love it. Nothing reminds me more of home then a drippy rainy night. Most of you probably hate this but it makes me feel so calm. I remember so many nights falling asleep to rain pattering on the roof outside my window and being soothed by water gurgling down the drain pipe. I remember moving to utah and hearing people talk about how they couldn't do something or other because it was "raining" it was such a foreign concept to me. Life in washington was RAIN.

I remember playing so many soccer games in down pours and walking to school in mists and shopping at outdoor malls in showers. It was just life. Yes at times it is inconvenient (like if I had just straightened my hair) but you just put up your hood and go on, no umbrellas here people! I love how refreshing it is and I love the feel of rain on my face, and just turning my head up and letting it fall on me. I love water dripping off big maple leaves and earth worms coming out of who knows where. I love the renewing capabilities a little water has on the environment. I love how GREEN and alive everying thing is after it rains.

I recently have been finding myself being such a debbie downer. I keep falling into these moods and JT works so hard to cheer me up. I keep finding myself saying "i'll be happy when..." I look back at the last year and have all of these excuses about what kept me from being happy when in reality I am the cause. I was lazy. I let my prayer and scripture reading fall by the wayside and expected to be entertained all the time. I wonder how many opportunities I missed out on by wallowing in self pity. I was and still find myself at times feeling so completely lost. I know the typical mormon goals but I am just not sure my path to get to those results. I want to be that happy homemaking mommy but the truth is... I hate cooking. I wish I could pay someone to clean my house and I'd much rather read a book then scrapbook one. I love babies but am a little scared to have to share my time and heart between a baby I love and a husband I am so completely in love and crazy about. I like science and the human body but don't really want to go back to the stresses of school for more of a career in it. I guess when you get married you don't figure it all out instantly, I figured I was sort of done... graduated... married...I would just fall into the next phase. I have yet to fall... still trying to find my place. I am going to absorb these less than ideal and self inflicted emotional times and use them to grow.. well that is my goal.

I see so much symbolism in rain. It is cold and wet and doesn't cater to your whims just like trials that come our way but if you just deal with and accept it eventually it ends and you are left with a beautiful green and growing landscape. I love the rain. I don't love trials but I do see how they are necessary. I am grateful for a completely loving and supportive husband and family.I am grateful for the renewing rain. I guess rainy nights are not for everyone but if its what it takes for a lush and beautiful, growing, changing life for me then bring on the rain.