looking back

It's interesting to look back at where we were this time last year...

 we had a brand new baby that we loved but were a little bit nervous to be completely in charge of, I was still dealing with some pretty painful post delivery issues,  I was exceptionally hormonal and not sleeping well

JT was sick. Sick would be an understatement. I remember the first time I had to take him to the emergency room. I was guilt ridden to say the least- be with JT or be with Miley? I could not do both because my maternal instincts said "DO NOT bring that tiny fragile baby to the Emergency room riddled with sick people" and so I had to leave her. To some it really doesn't seem like a big deal but to me it was. Jt had always said- half joking half not- that he didn't want to have a baby for awhile because he wanted to be the person that I loved the most in the entire world for at least a year or two. He was certain that once we had a baby I would love it more then him because he knows my DEEP love for children, sad but I think he really thought that and to be honest I was a little worried because the idea had crossed my mind as well.

 When I got up the courage to leave my little girl with the neighbors with only some frozen milk and my phone number scribbled on a paper as I rushed out the door, I knew that I still completely loved my husband. I knew I had accomplished the goal of not letting my child come between  that special bond that Jt and I have. I knew that in that exact moment someone else could hold my little girl while she slept but NO ONE could comfort my husband like I could. It was sort of turning point for me to realize that one of my biggest fears- that the baby would change OUR relationship drastically- was untrue. We could still be kali and jt. plus children. However even knowing that, each night as i struggled to comfort my two little family members seemed harder and harder. Sadly a lot of the memories of newborn miley are intertwined with trips to the hospital, surgery recovery, pain meds and specialists.

I can't even begin to explain how much our faith was tested. How many prayers we said that the pain could subside for him that seemed unanswered and yet, we kept on praying. I can't describe how much it hurts to watch your other half be in excruciating pain. I just remember thinking- we just can't do this anymore. I can't handle this anymore and yet...

I did. And looking back on that time as a whole I never really felt that alone- People helped me, friends stopped by, we got what we needed. but still..

 Life seemed to kick us when we were down. The bills started showing up, doctors told us our baby was too small, our great new opportunity job sort of sucked, insurance changed. And then... life just went on. I am so impressed for the perseverance that our little family showed.

I am so amazed by what people can endure and I have experienced it. People just simply keep on living, they find happiness where they can and just DO IT! I am so proud to have not only survived the last year but really had some amazing faith building experiences, that being said. I hope to never experience the likes of these things again. Even through all these struggles my husband managed to complete his classes, get good grades, apply and interview for countless jobs, receive offers, network like crazy, make time for his family, win an intramural championship, and support me in whatever I want to do.  I am so grateful that we have been lead to this point that we are now at, things aren't perfect and we still have a lot of struggling left to do but I am SO excited for what is in store for us.

Go mengs.

Especially JT!

 I think 2010 might have been one of his toughest years yet. I am so grateful that he didn't die  all those times when he was sure thats what "pain like this means". I hope that I  don't get lazy and forgetful and can always remember the things we have learned so that Heavenly Father doesn't feel the need to re-educate us in them at a later date.