As you can tell from my lack of posts I am having trouble coming to grips with all of the before mentioned facts. I know 25 isn't old or anything but rather I struggle with the fact that I literally feel like yesterday I was 20. That is 5 years people. 5!!! How do I catch up? How do I fix this panic in my heart. I feel like I am missing things or they are just plain going by too fast.
I recently have been toying with an idea and perhaps all you other mothers out there can fill me in on the secret. Will I always feel this torn? So excited for the new big things that are happening for Miley but also desperately clinging and wishing she would stay my tiny little angel baby forever. Will I always feel torn about wanting another baby because it will be as perfect Miley and fun for her and make me happy? But at the same time terrified that things will be different and not for the better? Will someone be neglected, is it possible we won't be as happy and that the next baby will somehow be short-changed because they will NEVER have the sort of undivided love and attention that Miley has? There is this delicate tightrope of past present and future- how do you walk it?
I feel pretty happy with the fact that I truly have enjoyed Miley's first year. I avoided ever saying "I can't wait until she can _________" because I didn't want to wish away how she was that very day. The place she fills in my heart is unlike anything I know or can describe. I know how happy I am right now and feel terrified at any changes that may come- its possible that they could make me even MORE happy... but
what if they don't?
Have you ever honestly recognized how much you love and treasure something but at that same moment become terrified because you now know how integral this thing is to your existence? I remember one day after being married a couple months thinking that how much I loved Jt actually scared me because it surpassed anything I could imagine myself feeling and so to lose that thing would be unfathomable. Now times that by two since Miley-kins has joined the clan and I am on the brink of paralyzing fear.
That being said. Of course miley will grow older and I will do everything in my power to have as many darling babies as possible, My life will go on and I'm sure I will find happiness just as I have in the past. I will continue to love my little family until my heart explodes... I guess I am just saying I am a little nervous.
7 comments:
Just wait until she is starting to communicate and say words. I swear I just want to run away some days with her and my hubs just to 'stop' time!!!! I hate it. It doesn't get better. Wish it did! BUUUUUT It is SO exciting seeing Brinley become a toddler and explore and discover.
Aaaaand unfortunately, this just means, have another baby!!! :-)
I had a really similar experience one night a few years ago when I realised how much I needed and loved Andy and spent the night trying not to collapse into hysterics over the thought of not having him. The feeling has just doubled since having Julian. It's incredible. I just try to feel fortunate to have such good people in my life and take every day as it comes. I have a tendency to be so excited for the future I forget about the present but I've done a good job of not doing that with Julian. He's a little younger than Miley but I'm already nervous he's growing up too fast/excited for all the stuff he's learning. Miley's a doll. I'm glad you're loving life as a mum so much
i wish you were here so we could savor the time together!! miley wont even remember me!!
Oh my gosh I LOVE you guys and miss you! And we should totally video chat sometime soon!
Yay! A new post. But sorry I cannot help you with this one girl. Except... I was the second child and I did get jipped. But I still think my parents love me as much as the others. :)
I felt exactly this way when it was time for us to think about having another child. I thought there was no way possible that I could love another baby as much as I loved Ava. I felt like I would be wronging Ava, having another child when she would be developing so much mentally and I wouldn't be able to give her my undivided attention. And then the same thing for the new baby, how do you find balance? Well Austin told me it would be okay. I believed him and tried to have faith. We had another baby and I can testify that you will love the second as much as the first! Some days are hard but you learn and you grow and somehow with the Lords help you find balance as you heart is filled with love. Then you get to enjoy the moments of them playing together, loving each other and having a best friend. I will tell you there will be nothing sweeter than when you get to watch Miley hold and kiss her little sibling!
Sorry this is so long, hope its helpful. Know that I feel ya on this one and I think every mom goes through this!
I know exactly how you feel! It's crazy that I lived for years without these 2 and now my life revolves so completely around them. I often feel like I am bursting with love and joy and pride, I can only imagine what the future will bring!
ps- that picture of you 2 is absolutely darling, I love it!
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